Fell at the first hurdle.

The first day and I fail. WTF!?! I am soo aggravated by myself. Though, in my defence, my failure is inevitable because I have to see my Nan, which means I have to eat other wise she'll force me to eat. But I presume that I shouldn't make up excuses for the fact that I cannot control myself.

Although, my failure can be considered a positive. At the current moment I have less chocolate from Easter meaning less temptation. Also, I know that I can stop myself from eating because I have done it for 4 days before without hesitation. All I need to do, is be more focused and think of the goal I will gain at the end of the 20 weeks.

Today, I came to help my mother with her job; up an equestrian yard a.k.a Stables. I love my horses and the massive show jumpers my mother works with. However, the stables can sometime plummet my self esteem. This is because you have to wear these tight trousers called Jodhpurs, which show every inch of fat and cellulite, that lives on my legs. Skinny girls wearing these jodhpurs, looking fantastic also make me feel awful. I do inspire to be able to wear jodhpurs without trying to hide or want to cry. It will just take time and determination!

Come on, I can do it!

Prospects for the future.

The wonders of the British holidays. Wooo, no school for two weeks; this means that I have a large span of time to loose weight and this is how I am going to do it. Although it is Easter, meaning lots of chocolate, leading to lots of temptations. I do hope this blog does help me to keep to my fast because I do believe not eating is a lot more healthy then living life of depression and hate for yourself.

I am currently 12 stone (fuckin* fat) and I plan to be like 6 stone by August because of the pleasure of being a brides maid and the dreaded dress fittings. I wasn't so bothered before about loosing weight because I did come to terms that this is who I am but after sudden depression within my life, I do not know who I am or what I am. Loosing weight will help me define this. Also, another revelation that my cousin (I am being her bridesmaid for her) has lost a lot of weight compared to the giant she used to be, has put pressure on my figure. I do not want to be the fatty of the family:/

In conclusion this means a strict diet of water, water and WATER! Doesn't that sound delightful!?! I will start the diet tomorrow, because it is Monday; the start of the week for a start of a diet! I have really high hopes for the future of my weight, but I must remind myself to stay strong because 'one taste on the lips is a life time on the hips' and a quote from one of my inspiring pro- ana's; Kate Moss says 'Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels'!

People always say that looks do not matter in life, but personality does. Evidently, this is a bunch of lies. The truth it blatant to me; these people who say this, do not actually believe that personality counts and looks doesn't, they are given themselves false hope and making themselves feel better about who they are and what they are not. Soon, if they keep saying this, they will start believing it! IDIOTS!

I know what is the truth and this even though the truth is hard to digest, we cannot avoid it because whole human existence evolves around it!

Beauty, beauty, fuckin* BEAUTY! Businesses run on beauty, schools run on beauty, families run on beauty and even your own sanity is run by beauty. Even I, over opinionated adolescent, can accept that personality can play a factor in a the worlds function however beauty controls all! For example, two girls go for an job interview. They both have same qualifications and experience and personality but one girl is fat and ugly, and the other girl is beautiful and slim. It's obvious which girl is going to be chosen for the job!?! The beautiful and slim girl! The uglier girl may have had an amazing personality however it was her looks the interviewers saw first!

Another phrase people say is ' looks catch the eye, personality holds the heart'. I partly agree with this because you cannot be in a relationship with someone who acts like a plank of wood. Although, I do argue that, can you take someone home to meet your parents who look like a pig? Sleep next to a sumo wrestler every night? and spend the rest of your life with the knowledge that if your partner ever fell onto you, that you'd be dead or just very mentally damaged!

Not to offend those people who are generally are attracted to people of the more uglier and heavy appearance; I actually respect you people a lot. However I cannot deny that the main population are attracted pretty and slim people. Sadly, the opposite to me:|

Basically, I am trying to bring across that beauty involves life! You cannot avoid it and it controls society and life, itself! Sorry Bloggers, I do not want to depress you and make you feel bad about yourself. If you want to believe in personality over looks, it's up to you. But this is just my personal opinion which I doubt will never change; unless I change.

This is why I have started this pointless blog, to make myself change. I am an ugly and overweight, 15 year old girl. I am constantly depressed and suicidal about my appearance however I just cannot seem to make myself loose weight. I have previously gone 4 days and 3 nights without food, which is a personal record for me. However, I was tempted by the devil and ate; one of the greatest regrets of my life! Because, I do not have the will power to say no: I have come up with the idea that if I write a blog of my dietary plans to the world, it may help me keep me determined to keep my diet! Admittedly, I know I will not be able to change my horrific face until I am older and rich, but I can change my weight, right?

So, enjoy on my journey of eating habits. Doesn't that sound delightful, not!